


our happy ending (levi x reader)

by sneighl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:54:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28679955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneighl/pseuds/sneighl
Summary: female reader, she/her
Relationships: Levi & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. a story

the mess hall was full and alive with chatter and laughter. the new recruits travelled subconsciously in groups, almost like flocking birds as they entered the large and busy room, heading towards the kitchen area to grab their servings of food, before seating themselves at the long benched tables with their friends. everything about the new environment was interesting and intimidating, but they knew this would become their new home, and the people, their new family. they quickly settled into conversation and ate together, just like back in the training corps. 

“SO, you’re the 104th! it’s a pleasure, kids! can i have this seat?” an enthusiastic bespectacled lady made her presence known. she sat just before the nods came, and began chattering at an impressive speed.

“i’m section commander hanji zoe, goodness, it’s been so long since we’ve had this many recruits, say, where are you all from, eh?” she rapid fire informed and questioned the slightly nervous teens, who all slowly began to state their hometowns. when a brunette boy, a raven haired girl and a smaller, more timid looking blonde boy mentioned theirs, hanjis eyes shone behind her thick lenses. 

“shiganshina? wow, you must have seen the whole titan attack!” she stared excitedly “please, tell me everything! i bet it was a sight to behold!”

the drops of their eyes and their shuffling told her more than any words could, as she remembered most weren’t as happy to see the titans as she was. her heart filled with sorrow as she imagined what the poor kids must have gone through, what horrors they must have seen.

“actually, forget that, it’s not important,” she trailed off for only a brief second before a fitting change of subject popped into her head. a story she could tell them, if they didn’t know it already. 

“my friend is from shiganshina. perhaps you’ve heard of her?” their eyes shifted back towards her direction, still avoiding her own, but she knew she had their attention, and that of the rest of the kids, who had shifted towards her slightly. 

“she was a famous thief, in simple terms, but not for personal gain. she would help the other orphaned kids, give them the food she stole. ring any bells?” the blonde boy, armin, jerked his head up at this, making eye contact with the section commander. 

“oh, i’ve heard about her! wasn’t she also friends with the captain?" 

"well,… yes” hanji said, musing to herself as armin continued to talk.

“hes humanity’s strongest, right?” a nod from the brunette woman “and she was-”

“humanity’s fastest” eren, the brunet, chimed in, remembering the stories of the infamous duo that circled through the villages.

armin picked up where he left off, seeming to relax a little as he recalled their story to the best of his knowledge. 

"apparently they met when the captain and his friends were dragged up from the underground. y/n was also forced to join as she was in a similar situation to them, but in shiganshina. she would steal, lie and manipulate to survive- “

everyone knew her, but no one caught her, she was insanely fast. she could run at full speed for seemingly inhuman amounts of time, and if cornered, a brutal right hook or kick would get her out.

a thug, but not heartless. she would do the work for herself, and for the other homeless and orphaned children who looked up to the teen. as they individually got adopted, or put into foster care, she only found more.

she ran from the help, not wanting to leave the streets incase someone else needed her. she lived for others, and rarely considered herself when making decisions, if she got hurt, it was ok as long as the kids got that piece of bread she clutched to her chest. the pain would almost numb as she watched them divide it amongst themselves, offering her a piece, which she then tore into even smaller portions, keeping only one for herself. the hunger, the bruises, the cuts and the fractures were all worth it to make sure those kids saw another day. another chance of getting off the streets.

when she was caught, however, it broke her heart. the children she had been guarding, some for as long as a year and a half, would have to fend for themselves. it terrified her to think of what would happen, and she deeply resented the people who captured her, especially the leader, a man named erwin smith. she made sure to remember that name, repeating it in her head over and over again as she was dragged away. her eyes locked with the two oldest children, sam, a 13 year old boy, and his 15 year old sister kate. she had been training these two, teaching them her skills and tactics in close combat, aswell as informing them of all the best hiding places throughout the town. their speed, although nowhere near her own, was impressive. she knew they would continue in her path, helping the younger kids, but she couldn’t help worry, they needed help, they needed her. and she was being torn away from them. sending a silent apology, the emotion behind her eyes was evident as the corner was rounded and she lost sight of the pair.

her efforts to resist were subdued as her thoughts took over, erwin smith. he needs to pay for putting them in danger. he will pay. it was all a haze until she arrived at the scouts headquarters, where she quickly barricaded herself in her newly appointed room, only then allowing the tears to fall.

-

she was quiet and reserved, she sat alone at the rare meal times she attended, sometimes going a week without eating, feeling so much guilt for her "siblings” that she had to leave behind. they were strong kids, tough too, but they were so young, she knew it would be incredibly hard for them to survive. she just hoped the training and tips she’d given them through their time together would be enough. it had to be. the alternative was something that she didn’t want to think about, but it still invaded her mind aggressively, especially in the late hours of the night, reducing her already shitty 4 hours of sleep down to around 2 on a good night. however her nights were now riddled with memories, thoughts and fears, even if she did manage to sleep, it was hardly peaceful. as crazy as it sounds she would rather be back on the streets. damn erwin smith, he will pay for this.


	2. reminders

y/n was strong, but her speed is what she became known for. 

she shon in hand-to-hand combat, easily dodging her opponents attacks and landing some painful hits of her own. however, when a higher up would approach her to compliment her skill, she would run as far as possible, cursing them out silently with her peircing glare. she was feared and admired by all, as much as she intrigued and attracted her fellow soldiers, they knew better than to approach her. her eyes would fixate on the wall as she sipped her tea, picking at her bread, only ever eating half at the most. her mind always appeared to be occupied by seemingly unpleasant thoughts as her expressionless yet hardened, and still somehow beautiful face remained turned away from the crowd. everyone wanted to talk to her, but again, they knew better. some people just aren’t talkers. and god knows y/n wasn’t.

the only person who ever dared to reach out was the seemingly fearless and probably insane hanji zoe. this girl would chatter away madly to y/n, unfazed by the lack of response. at first, the only acknowledgment of her presence from y/n was a glare, an eye roll or a fidget to move away from the other woman’s blabbering. until, one day, a hand came down on her shoulder. almost instinctively, the shorter woman was up, grabbing said hand and flipping it’s still talking owner around, silence only setting in when the shock did, as y/n swiftly pinned hanji on her stomach against the table, the offending hand twisted behind her back and her face slightly dirtied from landing in her own bowl of soup. y/n’s eyes widened after a second of realisation that all eyes were on her, her actions somewhat surprising even herself. 

"..ok! not a big toucher, i’ll bear that in mind-“ 

hanjis words broke through to y/n as she released the brunette, retaking her seat and glaring at a few onlookers, who hastily turned away. definitely not going to mess with her now.

wiping her face on her sleeve, hanji walked around the table and sat opposite y/n, her eyes trained on hers, even though the shorter female avoided her gaze. 

"i get that you’ve been through some things. i don’t know what, i’m not asking to know what, i’m just asking that you consider trusting me.” her tone was almost alien, genuine and calm, soft and low, slowed and patient, the exact opposite of the one she applied to her usual ramblings. it caught y/n off guard, she found herself paying attention to hanjis words. 

“i have no alterior motive, i just want someone to talk to, no one really wants to hang out with ‘titan girl’.” hanji paused briefly, looking away at those who gave her the fitting nickname. 

"nothing is guaranteed in this world, in our lives, anything could change at any moment. i could die tomorrow. you could, hell, the world could explode. so while we wait for that to happen, why not make the most of it? why not find someone to talk to?“ 

the girl looked up at the other sat infront of her. was she really that unfazed by her recent action? her personality in general? no one had ever given her a chance, but the sincerity present in hanjis voice was obvious. it surprised y/n, and she decided to hear the brunette out.

”… my dorm is the second door down that corridor-“ hanji turned her head and pointed to one of the halls. ”-you can come around whenever, even after curfew, if you need to talk, or to just be in the presence of another person. it may not be your thing but you should try it, it could help. if not, i’ll do the talking. i’m good at that, you know" she finished with a friendly smile, and y/n met her eyes. 

"… thank you". the first words she had said since arriving, other than the odd “fuck off” whispered under her breath. it made hanjis smile widen into a grin, and she stood and patted her new friend on the shoulder, running before she could be caught. y/n could easily have gotten to her, but after untensing herself from the unwanted contact, she decided against it. hanji was mad, annoying and loud, but she was nice.

from that day on, it was y/n and hanji. the shorter girls personality didn’t change much, but she did pay attention to the brunettes ramblings, occasionally nodding or humming in response, rarely offering her own thoughts. for the first time, y/n had a friend. and she liked it. she was slowly opening up to hanji, and it felt nice to trust.

-

the two were training, hanji doing her usual job of teasing y/n while they faught, her comments earning an eye roll from the other girl.

“you know, the thing with you is that you always make the first move. i doubt you’d know what to do if-" 

hanji took a surprise jab at y/n who used her impressive speed to dodge, stepping to the side, grabbing her friends extended limb and pushing it against her other, before jumping to raise them above her head, and thrusting her knee against her stomach, the momentum and force pushing her back into the ground with a thud, the iron grip on her wrists and the leg on her body rendering her imobile in a second. the action was a shock to everyone who witnessed it, especially to the young man being held by the collar by erwin. he had never seen such speed and strength, especially from someone so short and weak-looking as this girl. even erwin was impressed. he knew her skills from when he captured her, but he had never seen anything like this. the move wasn’t that impressive, but the way it was performed, it left no time for venerability. 

helping hanji up, and dusting off her shoulder, y/n smirked slightly at her new found way of shutting her up. 

"you HAVE to teach me that one, y/n!” came the words of the crazed woman, earning a nod from her friend. 

’y/n. a pretty name. a pretty girl. what, don’t be ridiculous. this bastard-’ 

the two females attention was brought to the sight of the young, black-haired man struggling against erwins grip, his body swung around and he landed a knee in a rather painful area, y/n watched on in curiosity and amusement. this boy had just done what she wished to for the past month, so she was excited to see this scene unravel. 

a few more desperate attacks to the older man who was desperately trying to hold back the flailing youth, before two other higher ups came and grabbed the handcuffed boy. after struggling a bit more, he stills, and glares up at the tall captain, who meets his stare with an equally stoic one. y/n watched with growing interest, fixated on the boy. after a while, two other higher ups entered her vision, each holding another handcuffed and scruffy looking youth. one was a taller dark-blonde boy with a slim face, that he was contorting into an unnatural scowl that he aimed at the man stood in front of his friend, and the other was a shorter girl, about y/n’s height, with deep red hair in twin ponytails, she looked younger, but just as angry. despite the new faces intriguing her, y/n found her eyes wander back to the original boy, before her attention was stolen by erwin, whose booming voice made most of the cadets jump.

“ATTENTION, SCOUTS” 

echoes across the training grounds. everyone rushed to salute their captain, except y/n, who has never once shown erwin this form of respect. his gaze trained over the crowd, resting on her bored face and relaxed stance momentarily, her subtle message of defiance was read loud and clear, she still despised him. this act also didn’t go unnoticed by the boy, who she was secretly still watching through the corner of her eye. 

"we have three new recruits. you will treat them with respect and kindness, you will make them feel welcome. do you three care to introduce yourselves?“ his voice steady as he glanced at the restrained trio. the girl, whose eyes shone with curiosity, was first to speak up.

"hi i’m isabel”, her voice was squeaky and enthusiastic and somewhat cute, she was definitely younger, naive. she reminded y/n of one of the young girls, ellie, that she previously cared for, memories of how she would excitedly ask the teen to put her hair in 'piggy tails’ every morning came to mind, warming her heart but also filling it with worry and sorrow. shaking the thought, she returned to the present, to the three infront of her. next to speak was the taller boy.

"i’m farlan" he said surely, looking protectively to the side at his younger friend. they clearly had a bond. y/n faught her mind to remain grounded as she dismissed his resemblance to a ten year old, jake, who always helped her cook any meals that she could come across. 'now is not the time to get all sentimentall’ she reminded herself, she continued to look on. next, was the boy who held y/n’s attention. a short while of silence passed, before a slight sigh was released from his thin lips. 

".. levi.“ he said simply, it was clear he didn’t want to be there. y/n could tell he had been through a tough life, she recognised the look in his grey eyes, or rather, behind them. he was fronting, but she could see through it, and that only made her more interested by him. 

"they’re talented fighters, they will be very valuable additions to the survey corps. y/n, show them around"

her eyes widen slightly in surprise at the sudden mention of her name, but her face remained still. 

"i-” she eventually began 

"it wasn’t a request, l/n, show them around. and speak to them. if i find out you weren’t accommodating, there will be consequences. dismissed" 

her haterid of the older man only grew as he beckoned her towards him with his hand. an eye roll and frustrated sigh was noticed by her friend as y/n began to walk towards the man who loomed over her. she payed no attention to him as she walked past him and up to the three who had been released from their restraints. 

"hi, i’m isabel" the bubbly girl started again, this time reaching out a hand for y/n to shake. instead. however, the slightly shorter female only glanced between the hand and her face before nodding slightly, and turning, motioning for them to follow her. as she began to walk towards the headquarters, she heard footsteps follow behind her.

she wanted nothing more than to repeat what “levi ” had done earlier to erwin.

‘levi, that’s a nice name’ she guessed, before shaking that thought and continuing her rapid pace.

after a while of walking behind her, isabel skipped up behind y/n, keeping the silence for now, looking intently at her face, trying to analyse and read the girl. 

y/n turned her head, an action that would usually make people jump, however isabel just smiled brightly, y/n looked away.

“she’s just like you, big bro!” came the squeaky voice, as it’s beholder adjusted her body so that she was walking backwards, facing the boys but still next to y/n. her statement was met by silence, a silence that didn’t last long, as isabel broke it again.

“levi’s kindof grumpy.” she informed while spinning again, causing a grunt from said man. y/n didn’t respond.

“it took a while for me and farlan to get him to like us, but he does now! i have a feeling he’s going to like you too, i mean, you’re very similar. and i saw him staring at you earlie- OW! ”

she was cut off as levi tugged on one of her pig tails, pulling her back slightly and effectively stopping her from talking.

“hey!,, but you were!” she commented, before trotting to join y/n again.

“so where are we going first? i’m excited to see our new home! aren’t you, guys?” she looked back at her friends. sensing y/n’s mild annoyance, farlan interjected

“calm down a bit, iz. y/n will probably have a headache from having to deal with eyebrows back there" 

this earned a giggle from the red head, and a slight exhale, the equivalent of a laugh, from y/n. that was damn true, erwin could ruin her day just at one sight. and the nickname was perfect, she would make sure to remember that for hanji, she would probably enjoy that.

"oh of course, sorry y/n…” the girl trailed off. 

“don’t worry. i’ll show you to the mess hall, then you’re dorms, that’s all you really need to know right now.”

silence once again engulfed them, as y/n kept having to remind herself to keep the speed down, for their sake.

after a while of walking, they reached a pair of heavy-looking wooden doors. y/n pushed on one of them, pushing her shoulder into it, causing the thing to move. once the light flooded into the currently empty room, y/n started for the inside.

“this is where the superiors sit, other than that, it’s a free for all.” she said monotonely, geasturing to a long benched table, before jerking her head in the direction of multiple others, then walking over to a the kitchen area, where a hole had been put in the wall.

“food is served from here. it’s shit.” she said, half-assedly. 

“breakfast is at 7, lunch at 12:30 and dinner at 6. it’s best to get there a few minutes before if you don’t want scraps, though” she commented. as stupid as it sounds, her throat was hurting from the unusual amount of speaking she had to do. clearing it quietly, she began to walk towards then through another wooden door, this one, however, leading further into the head quarters.

she held it open from the other side as the three poured through, mumbling their thanks, levi avoiding eye contact as he nodded. turning on her heal, she headed down one of many corridors, the trio following behind her. reaching a sort of cross road within the building, she turned to the group and opened her mouth to speak again.

“this side is the boys dorms, this is the girls. isabel, i’ll show you to your room first” she said, heading down the correct side, with said girl in tow, while the boys awkwardly stood and waited. y/n could head farlan whisper something to levi that she couldn’t pick up, but judging by the “OW” that followed, she guessed it wasn’t to levis liking.

reaching the right door, y/n stopped and motioned towards it.

“here” she said simply, as isobel fumbled in her pocket for a key that had been given to her by one of the higher ups earlier.

“thank you! i hope to see you again soon!” she said cheerily, before approaching y/n with opened arms. what was happening? was she trying to attack her? her words and tone suggested otherwise, but the shorter girl was still confused, stepping to the side and walking hastily to join the boys with the slightest hint of confusion on her face. silently walking past them and down the other corridor, y/n stopped at the first empty room. 

“farlan, this is you" 

"thanks, y/n. have a good evening” he said, turning the key in the lock “see you later, levi" 

the two continued to walk in silence, all the way to the end of the corridor, next to the stairs and another corridor that would lead to the other side of the hq. y/n made a mental note that his room was in the same position as hers, just behind it, actually.

turning, she avoided eye contact and she slightly motioned towards the door.

"this is yours. try not to, but if you need anything, mine is through here” she patted on the wall opposite his door. 

“thanks.” he said, opening and walking through his door. she turned to walk towards the shorter way to her dorm, however, stopping and glancing back when she still felt a pair of eyes on her. she eventually met his steely pair with her own e/c ones, as he stared her down for a while. observing her, she realised, he was also analysing her. after a while of intense eye contact, when he noticed she had yet to back down, he decided to try something. he hardened his expression considerably, giving her a glare that could freeze hell. this never failed to scare away anyone it was directed at, until y/n. she held his gaze, her face not changing in the slightest, despite her heart rate increasing, much to her dismay. after a while, he broke the stare, swiftly walking into his room and shutting, then locking the door behind him. she breathed a sigh of relief, not knowing exactly what test he was putting her through, but feeling content that it seemed she had passed it. 

turning again, she walked the short distance around the corridor, looping back on herself as she felt for her own key. finding it, and shortly after entering her room, she flopped onto her bed. she decided to miss dinner tonight, opting instead to let the night of memories and pain start early, since fighting it off, she had learned, was futile. 

her mind wandered, and she stared up at the ceiling, tying to imagine all the faces of the kids she looked after, and hoping with all that she had that they were ok, but something, she didn’t know what, was off.


	3. i will make you pay

a week had passed since levi, isabel and farlan had joined the scouts, and since y/n had left her room. she was drained off all energy, partially from the lack of food, but mostly because of the thoughts and memories that tormented her endlessly. even the good memories made her heart ache, the better days were mocking her from inside her mind. but that recurring one, the sickening, sinking feeling, that was what had done most of the damage. repeating in her head over and over, telling her that something was very, horribly wrong. it ate away at her like a parasite, she was helpless.

she had fallen into a new routine, getting out of her bed at sunrise, sitting motionless at her small desk until sundown, then, back to bed, for another sleepless night. she just existed, consumed by guilt and anxiety, drifting when she did move, as if in a dream or trance, and hanji had had enough. she was worried beyond belief. y/n had done this before, but she had at least received responses to her frequent knocking, even if they weren’t kind. y/ns silence was concerning her friend, so she decided to take action.

a loud thud, accompanied by a grunt was heard as the brunette threw herself shoulder first into the door that didn’t budge in the slightest. the action was repeated, then again, and again, the sounds reverberating throughout the building, and drilling into a certain black haired mans brain. snapping and standing up, he gritted his teeth and balled is fists as he walked around the corridor towards the sound. rounding the corner, he saw a frustrated looking hanji holding her one arm in the other as she got into a starting position, readying herself to charge yet again at the door. she only stopped when he loudly made his presence known.

“HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU-”

he was cut off as the door slowly but unexpectedly opened to reveal a pale and fragile looking y/n, who stayed completely still, looking at the ground just outside of her room. her hair was a mess, indicating she had spent a while tossing and turning, her nightgown was crinkled, showing she hadn’t changed it in a while, and her face held the faint yet unmistakable marks of dried tears, all of which she made no effort to change or fix. her appearance shocked him slightly, the woman he had seen in the training grounds, this wasn’t that woman. she looked so, broken. that was all he could think of.

“y/n! oh my- what ha- did something happen?” a small nod from the h/c haired woman.

“what was it? are you ok?”

“yes… I don’t know-”  
her voice was soft, barely above a whisper.  
“but-”  
the only clear thought in her head was that she had to get back to shingashina. this horrible feeling, it screamed at her that someone was in trouble, someone needed her.  
eventually, the screams became too loud to ignore, so, pushing past hanji, y/n bolted down the corridor as fast as she could, turning and making her way to the exit.

it was a blur from there, she hurried, she pushed past a few crowds, she mounted a horse, she raced through the forest. nothing her senses were exposed too was being processed by her brain, her body moving on autopilot.

there was no reasonable explanation for why she felt like this, it would just be her paranoia, her mind playing trick on her as she thought of the kids. they would be fine. but somehow, her gut wouldn’t let her believe that. 

-

as she rode, her mind wandered, flashing back to the place she raced towards, to the people, the kids she needed to see. she worried about them daily, hourly, with every second that passed, but this was different. there was an all consuming, sickening dread that reached deep into her soul and never for a second let her believe that they were ok. the only time she had ever felt like this, her fears had been confirmed, bringing to reality the horrible way that she had become an orphan herself. she shook her head to dismiss those thoughts, she needed to have a clear mind to face whatever she was heading to. she couldn’t change it then, but now, as an adult, as a soldier, she may be able to do something, to prevent more unnecessary deaths. she didn’t know how many more she could handle, how she would cope with the loss of more of her family. 

-

the thudding of her horses hooves on the dirt changed to clacks as they met with the stone ground of the town, however the pace did not change. she drove the animal through the city, around the buildings and through the corridors that she knew so well, heading for their old hide out, their “home”.

the faces were nothing but blurs as she made haste passed a crowd, the gasps and whispers doing nothing to stop her.

“hey, is that-”

“y/n’s back…”

“i though she was killed?”

“me too, what-”

were all drowned out by her head as she continued to ride towards their hide out. 

‘around the corner, down the steps, into the trees, behind the boulder.’

she finally reached their home, a cave of sorts in the deepest part of the forest the was by the town, not to far from where they could get food, but secluded enough to remain hidden. at least, it had been. 

“hey, sam? kate? kids! where are you? it’s me, it’s y/n, where-”

she searched though the hideout, looking in the usual nooks and crannies where the smaller children would sleep and rest, flinging no one. her mind and heart continued to race, as did her body, as she searched for someone, anyone.

“ellie? jake? adam- for fucks sake, beth!” she screamed, running out into the surrounding forest, panic overwhelming every aspect of her being, physical and mental. she shook and sweat, stumbled over her own feet as she searched. there was no doubt in her mind that something was wrong, even in the most busy of days, during the height of the market where all available hands we’re needed on deck, the opportunity for food easier to come by, someone always was at the house. weather it be keeping a look out, guarding their supplies, or just resting, this little cave was never empty. 

“c'mon, guys, where are-”

“y/n?”

the sound of the little, unmistakeable voice broke through y/n’s panic and she whipped her head around, eyes meeting with the smaller blue ones of lucy’s. as soon as she saw her, y/n ran over to the child, squatting down and pulling her into her arms, examining her for any injuries as she spoke.

“oh, lucy, thank god- are you hurt? are you ok? where’s everyone else?" 

the little girl shook her head to the i first question, said nothing for the second, and looked down to her feet at the third. she whimpered lightly in between mumbles, trying to get out the information y/n needed, but clearly struggling.

"they- the market-” she looked to the towns direction, “the police…" 

a sharp inhale, that was never a good thing. the notoriously corrupt and violent mps particularly didn’t like y/n or the kids. if they were involved, this was worse than she had thought.

putting on a soothing, calmed voice that god her inner worried brilliantly, y/n smoothed lucy’s hair out of her face, speaking as gently to her as possible, while still keeping that air of urgency as best she could 

"lucy, hey, look at me” she did “what happened? what did the military police do?”

a singular tear stared to fall from the child’s cheek, but was quickly wiped away by y/n as she looked at her for the answer.

“they, took…everyone. they-they” she sniveled but did her best to tell her friend what had happened

“sam and katie, they tried to stop them, like you, they did what you said. but-but they, they-”

the damn broke and y/n rubbed her shoulder soothingly, her anxiety peaking as she waiting for the answer she already knew.

“there were so many, they came from no-nowhere" 

"they, they-”

“i ran away, i came here, i’m sorry y/n i couldn’t watch, but, it was really quiet after, so i think they-”

'gods no, please, no’ her mind repeated, causing her emotions to spiral even further. she had to get to town. using what little comosure she had left, y/n stood, patted lucy on the head and spoke while making her way to her horse.

“i-” she cleared her throat “i need you to stay here, in the cave. i’ll be back, i promise. don’t come out unless you know it’s me.”

with that, the soldier mounted her horse, cracking the reins, sending the beast into a charge once more, only looking back to make sue that lucy had done what she had asked, breathing a short sigh of relief when she had.

she rode furiously out of the forest, the steps she now had to ascend providing her with a view of the other side of town, letting her see a flood of green cloaks that approached. she didn’t care, though, she just had to find, she didn’t know what, she had no clue what scene she was about to stumble across, maybe lucy was wrong? maybe they were all alright, maybe her gut was lying to her? maybe-

the mps shouted at the crowd to keep them away from the town center, forming a blockade between y/n and whatever was there. like hell it would stop her, though. she dismounted, not even worrying about tying up her horse, and started to push through the people, her anxiety gowning with each step, eventually making it to the barrier of soldiers who blocked her view and her path.

“hey, kid, didn’t you hear? back off, or you’ll end up like them!” one shouted, nodding his head back to the still not visible town center. not long after, another joined in.

“yeah, we won’t hesitate, scram, brat!”

he raised his hand to strike her as she wouldn’t stop pushing and shoving them, but she easily dodged, using the opportunity to break through their formation and stumble into the cleared area, stopping dead in her tracks as she took in the sight before her.

“oi, watch it-” the mp shouted at her, before cutting himself off to mumble in annoyance, turning his attention back to the crowd. y/n, however, remained silent. how could she speak when her mind had gone completely blank, no part of her knowing how to process what she saw. that being the bruised, bloodied, and very dead bodies of sam and kate that laid on the ground. 

she watched in silence as the blood continued to seep from their multiple wounds and into the ground, flowing out widely to even stain the edges of y/n’s nightgown, a large gash on sam’s neck in particular bled at such a rate that she wouldn’t’ve believed it if she hadn’t seen it. they lay close to each other, something that stuck with y/n in particular was how sam’s arm seemed to be reaching for kate’s stopping before it could get there. even in their final moments, they cared for each other, sought comfort in each other, they were siblings, goddamnit, of course they did, they were kids! y/n's eyes began to well with tears at the thought, the now shaking woman doing nothing to stop them from falling. her eyes reddened, itching and stinging, but she didn’t care. her gaze still scanned over them, inspecting their cuts as they did. when they reached their arms, she could make out small bruised the circled kate’s thin wrists, no doubt obtained during the struggle, the battle for their lives. the battle that they had lost, the battle that they would never have had to suffer through had it not been for her absence, had it not been for him. that bastard, that murderer. that man who barged through the crowd on the other side of the town center, stopping in his tracks to take in what he saw, just a y/n had earlier. however, his comprehension came sooner, and without crying.

“cadet l/n, you left base without permission.” he stated, not knowing how to address the obvious elephant in the room in the form of her two dead friends. 

upon hearing his voice, the ever stoic tone only adding to her fury, y/n snapped her gaze off of the kids’ injuries and stared straight into his cold, seemingly uncaring blue eyes. the rage within her boiled as she grit her teeth, the pain obvious in her face.

“did i? did i erwin? oh, well i’m so fucking sorry!” she shouted, her volume startling to everyone, even herself, but she didn’t have the time to worry about that as she drew in a shaky breath, her mouth working on it’s own accord as she continued to scream at him.

“as odd as this is, i don’t really give two shits about that right now” she looked down to the ground as she tried to stop herself, but aparently she wasn’t done yet.

“i told you, so many times, erwin, that this would happen! i told you they needed me, i told you they’d die on their own! and now look!” she gestured to the bodies, her anger growing the the commander shut his eyes and looked away. her tone was difficult for anyone to hear, even to the hardened commander who had seen death so frequently, this was upsetting.

“FUCKING LOOK AT THEM, YOU BASTARD!” she screeched, silencing the whole town and bringing erwin’s attention to the corpses. he looked at them, his eyes connecting with kate’s still open ones, nothing remained behind them.

a few moments passed in silence, just enough time to allow y/n to regain her usual flat tone, however, in this context, it was more chilling than the screams, her words resonating just as clearly as she spoke them to him.

“you did this. and i will make you pay.”

her words hung heavy in the air, and he believed her. the silence remained as y/n burned holes into erwin with her hateful stare, the tears still falling from her eyes, until she could hear the sounds of footsteps approaching. she glanced down at sam and kate once more, her chest tightening in the most painful way, before she decided she couldn’t anymore, she had to leave.

reluctantly, she turned, walking away from the bodies as the medics made their way towards them, rushing, as if thee was anything they could do. y/n heard erwin and a few of the other superiors call after her as she left, pushing past the mps and through the crowd. she remounted her horse, her silent sobs still coursing through her as she cracked the reins, riding off into the direction she came from.

that was when the numbness set it. weather it was her brains way of defending her from the pain, or if she was used to it because of how much she’d already lost, she didn’t know. the tears slowly stopped and began to dry with the breeze as she rode back to the forrest, still, she wiped them before reaching her destination, not wanting to upset lucy any more. despite this being the last day she would be her guardian, she still wanted to be strong for the child. she knew what she had to do.

-

taking a final deep breath as she did, y/n walked around from where she had left her horse, up to the wooden door of a large building, lucy’s small hand in hers. with her free hand, she knocked three times on the oak, heading footsteps approach soon after. in her peripheral vision, y/n could see lucy’s still red and still crying face turn to look up at her, but the woman made no effort to return that look, knowing it would break her again. the door opened before too long, revealing a disheveled looking older woman, who began speaking apologetically when she saw lucy, stopping when she saw y/n.

“i’m sorry, we don’t have any room, we’ve jus-”

clearing her raw throat quietly, y/n spoke

“do you have them all?”

the woman’s expression saddened further as she nodded, allowing y/n to relax a little. at least they were safe. she sighed, gently moving her hand towards the woman, guiding lucy to step towards her. at first, she didn’t, she hid behind y/n’s legs, but after a while, she seemed to understand, and walked hesitantly to join the woman.

“make sure they’re safe.” y/n said, looking the woman in the eyes for the first time, allowing her to see the sincerity within her own. at this, she smiled slightly and nodded, then y/n began to turn. it was the last thing she wanted, to leave them, in a place she wasn’t sure if they’d be safe, but she knew it was she right thing to do. she frequently questioned why she hadn’t done this earlier, before she could get attatched to any of them, it was what any other person would do. she had always chalked it up to her own experiences at such a place, sure, the staff had changed since then, but she wasn’t about to risk these defenseless children being starved or beaten like she was. of course now she cared deeply for each and every one of them, they were her family, and she was going to have to leave them again. still, she turned and began to do just that, knowing that if she didn’t in that moment, she’d never be able to. 

the sounds of lucy’s crying became fainter and fainter as she walked away, the tears re-entering her eyes, until she heard the woman speak, not to her, but to-

“ellie, wait-" 

y/n turned at the same, seeing the child running towards her, lucy following, then another child, then another, then one by one, all of the kids she had cared for came hurtling towards her. squatting down, her body acted on it’s own, y/n opened her arms and welcomed the kids into a tight embrace. they cried and held each other in an awkward huddle that lasted an age, but still not long enough, and it was a blur from there.

she walked away, she mounted her horse, she rode through the forest, she seethed with anger.

she ached with sorrow.

-

"she’ll be back, commander, she probably just needs some time to process.”

“forget that, we can’t have her roaming the streets of shiganshina again. she’ll just go back to how she was, a theif!”

“what about that threat? 'i will make you pay’, we should write her up, or kick her out for that, let the damn mps tear her to shreds too!”

the section commanders argued amongst themselves in the empty mess halls, the rest of the cadets had been sent out on a training exercise that everyone knew was just an excuse to get them out of the headquarters, but no-one knew why. erwin sighed as he remembered the events of a few hours earlier, how they had searched for ages to find the missing woman, how they’d reluctantly returned without her. her words continued to play on his mind. he had lead many a soldier to their deaths, seen many civilians take their last breaths because of his actions, but the brokenness in her usually nonchalant, or even absent voice was jarring. he knew he had done what was right, by the law, by the merchants of shiganshina, but the repercussions were a lot harder to ignore than usual.

the loud back-and-forth of both the soldiers in the room and the thoughts in the commanders head were interrupted by the sound of a door creaking open, rain hammering aggressively against the now visible ground. their eyes all traveled to the doorway, meeting with a drenched and motionless y/n, her nightgown soaking through and sticking to her skin, the blood and mud stains that coated the bottom of it fading and washing out. her hair hung infront of her lowered face as she stood there, not making a single sound or move, just looking at them through the gaps in her h/c locks. after w few seconds of this, she took a step inside, closing the door, and , still wordlessly, made her way +through the room, then the door, and straight to her room again, no-one making the slightest effort to stop her.

-

the atmosphere in her small bedroom was different than it was the last time she was here, the tension and dread gone, the fear and worry eliminated, it was calmer, but it wasn’t better. the emptiness was no less torturous, but she didn’t have the strength to fight it, or the sleep that began to grab at her as she sat on her bed after taking off her boots. no doubt, it would be filled with crushing images of the horrors she had seen earlier, but the second her head hit the pillow, she didn’t have a choice. all she could do was welcome the rest, and await the nightmares that she would have to deal with for the rest of her life. just like when she was a child herself, she was alone again.


	4. trust me

it had been a month since y/n’s return to shiganshina, the flashbacks and nightmares of the horrors she saw had plagued her every second since. the numbness had remained, but the tears would still fall, day and night silent sobs would escape her, the pain never faltering for even if she couldn’t really feel it. it was if she were a spectator on her life, her emotions not really feeling like her own.

hanji had done what she could, visiting her friend’s room when necessary to ensure that she ate and drank, bathed and, well, she took care of her as much as she could. she sat with her when she had she time, of course, the grieving woman hardly said a word, but hanji didn’t want her for a second to think that she was alone. there wasn’t really anything she could do, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t try.

that wouldn’t stop her from ripping him apart though, as soon as she could, she would make sure that he suffered as much as she had, as much as those kids had, no, more. way, way more. that was what drove her to keep going, to live through the pain. before long, she became nothing more than a shell, a vessel that could barely contain her concentrated rage and lust for vengeance, waiting for the tears and crippling sorrow to dim just enough to strike. but she would. however long it took, she would.

-

when y/n opened her stinging eyes, she took a moment to realise what was going on. the absence of shouting and other atrociously loud noises confused her, her ears having become used to the sounds of the morning training sessions. however, she soon remembered the cause of this unusual silence, the expedition. hanji had mentioned that the she and the rest of the scouts were to be out all of the day and most of the night, leaving the confines of the walls in search of- whatever it was, y/n didn’t know, nor did she care. with the amount of times she had heard that giant blond oaf talking about it, about a future for humanity, about salvation, she had chosen to reject anything of the sort. sure, it was petty, but until she had regained her strength, both mental and physical, it was all she could do to express a fraction of the hate she felt for him. a small victory, but a victory none the less.

she sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes before pushing her h/c hair out of the way and walking to the door of her room. she cracked it open, glancing into the hallway just to confirm she was allone, then she walked to the end or the corridor, and looked out of the window. judging by the sun, she must’ve slept in. by a lot too, it looked to be around evening time. she shrugged at the idea, of course, none of it mattered when she, too, was practically dead to the world. still, she was hungry, so with a sigh, she quickly returned to her room to put her boots on, stretching and cracking her neck and back as she did so. the damn streets of shiganshina were more comfortable than that mattress, she swore. but that didn’t matter, there was no way she could go back there, even mentally, just thinking of it would bring her back to what she saw last month. shaking her head to rid it of those thoughts, she made her way to the door, then through it and towards the kitchen, thinking maybe food would provide a distraction.

-

she found herself sat on the kitchen counter, nibbling at a piece of bread she had found in the storage cupboard. her eyes were fixated on a spot on the floor, but her mind was firmly in the streets of shiganshina still. in the dirt and mud, in the blood, in the pain. her imagination walked her through everything like she hadn’t been there to see it, describing it in excruciatingly vivid detail. the hand that was raised to her mouth began to drop slowly as her mind races, only when the dull thud of the bread hitting the floor entered her ears did she snap out of it. she took a moment to take in her surroundings, mentally cursing her brain for slipping into another one of those trances, before noticing the bread on the floor. quickly jumping off the surface, she grabbed a dustpan and brush and got to work cleaning the mess.

her mind wandered agin, this time to a time not so long ago, a memory less painful. 

she recalled the time she and hange had been walking around the halls and had walked in on one of the underground kids, levi, in his room, during the mist of what can only be described as a meltdown. of course, his version of it, the anger behind his furious scrubbing of the rug not making him seem so tough and much as, strange. they stared at him for a while, wondering what the poor rug had done to deserve such harsh treatment, before he noticed them.

“what?" 

he said, glancing over his shoulder before continuing. hange threw her hands up in the air as of to say ‘don’t look at me’, while y/n just continued to watch. he scrubbed for a while longer before throwing the sponge down in defeat, leaning back on his heals as he spoke.

"you gonna stand there and stare or are you gonna help?”

his voice was aggravated and clearly distressed, peaking y/n’s curiosity.

“with what?” she asked, surprising hange a little with the fact that she decided to speak. levi, however, seemed to be less than pleased with her words.

“this!” he gestured to the floor, and y/n looked over his shoulder to see a slight stain in the fabric, speaking as if it were the biggest problem in the world. 

hange looked too, and was less discreet with her reaction. 

“wait, what? hah! oh levi, that’s nothing, you should see my room. i spilled soup in my bed yesterday, that was-”

“you wha-”

“hange, go clean your bed. that’s gross.”

y/n spoke with a surprising authority, stopping her in tracks, before the shorter girl walked over to the small pile of cleaning supplies, grabbing another sponge and applying some soap to it. she walked back over to levi and got in the same position as him, starting to scrub at the stain before realising hange was still there. she pointed to the door nodding her head in that direction to give her the extra hint. 

“have a shower, too. i didn’t want to say anything but you stink like, i’m guessing, like old soup.”

hange glanced between the two on the floor, and eventually obeyed, smelling her collar and subsequently grimacing as she walked away. levi watched her leave, turning back around to speak to y/n, stopping himself when he realised she had already started cleaning.

he watched her for a while, noticing how she tucked her hair behind her ear as she did so. after a while, she looked up to meet his eyes, nodding back to the rug as she continued to clean it.

he joined in soon after, and the two cleaned in silence, scrubbing away at the fabric until it was as good as new, better even. 

levi pulled away, sitting and looking at the floor, as did y/n. their breathing was a little heavy due to the effort. they sat together for a short while, y/n eventually looking up to meet levi’s eyes, that were already on her. they looked at each other for a little, neither being one for small talk. after a while, however, levi opened his mouth to at least thank her, but was cut off when she stood, brushing her trousers to rid them of any dust that would definitely not be present from sitting on levi’s floor. after this, she walked out, not saying a word. he watched her leave as he did with hange, well, not in exactly same way, before snapping himself out of it and picking up the two sponges to wash. as y/n turned the corner, she could hear the familiar squeaky voice of isabelle excitedly inturrupt the silence with some ramblings that she couldn’t quite decipher, and the calmer tone of farlan attempting to cool the red head down. a single word from levi was enough to stop her, and he asked what she was saying, y/n not hearing her response, having already made her way around to her room, jumping slightly when hange was already there.

y/n remembered the hours she had spent trying to stop her friends relentless teasing. she had just helped him out, but the brunette insisted it was a huge deal, going off on one of her rants, her eyes shining wildly behind her glasses as they did when she got excited. the thought put a small hint of a smile on y/n's face for the first time in a long time as she was brought back to reality, the bread and crumbs now cleaned. 

she took a while to admire her work, her eyes focusing from the shining floor to her reflection in it, eyes widening a little at the later. she hadn’t looked in a mirror in ages, and she hardly recognised herself. her cheeks, while plumper than they had been since her days on the streets, were thinner than they had been when she had been eating properly. her eyebags were nearly twice as pronounced, that coupling with her glum expression painted a sad picture that stared back at her like a stranger. it was disheartening, but expected. but there was a look in her eye, one that she couldn’t place, but at the same time, one that she recognised all too well. it had been threre as long as she had known, never being able to put a name to it. sighing, y/n looked away and begin to tidy up the plate and her cup from the water she had poured herself earlier.

after putting everything away, y/n left the kitchen, shutting the heavy wooden door behind her. she pulled her night dress around her tighter, the chill of the evening air getting to her, even within the castle. she made her way across the mess hall and opened the door to reveal that same long corridor she had taken the underground trio through all that time ago, walking through it until she came to the two separated corridors. from here, she could hear various noises, some mutters, but mostly the sounds of buckles, of belts, a few showers starting up from the bathroom at the other end. they were back. y/n began to walk down the girl’s side corridor, passing hanges door to get to her own at the end. she would give her friend a while to clean up and calm down before visiting. she’d never been outside the walls, nor had she seen a titan, but she could guess the whole experience to be rather grim, and, judging by the considerably fewer doors that had light shining underneath the bottom of them, it seemed not everyone had made it back. 

the h/c girl continued to walk down the corridor, noticing that isabel’s door seemed to be one of those that lacked the light, the indicator that someone was there. she supposed she could be in the shower, but something didn’t sit right. she couldn’t hear her squeaky voice rambling on about something close to nothing, nor could she hear the groans or shushes of the other girls. y/n did her best to put it out of her mind as she made her way to her own private quarters, reasoning that it wasn’t any business of hers, anyway. just something she noticed.

doing her usual routine of closing and locking the door behind her, removing her boots and placing them neatly at the foot of her bed before climbing onto the hard mattress. her head flopped onto the pillow, the headboard resting against the wall that connected the girls rooms to the corridor outside the boy’s. her eyes closed, and she sighed deeply, allowing herself a rare moment of rest while her thoughts seemed to be at bay. she knew it was temporary, but she wouldn’t dream of wasting or interrupting this time. something, or someone, did, though. as her peace was broken by the sound of footsteps hammering onto the floor, then the almighty bang of a door slamming against it’s frame. the sound was startlingly close to y/n, causing her to jolt up in bed and clutch her ears, her head pounding in pain at the sudden noise. she could make out a few complaints, some of which were shushed and followed by whispers that couldn’t travel through the walls, leaving y/n to wonder what the fuck that was about.

the girl swung her legs around to the hung off the bed and rested her elbows on her knees placing her forehead into her hands. so much for her moment of rest, although, she couldn’t help but worry as to who had made that noise, or why. logic indicated that it had something to do with the expedition, maybe someone had a harder time of it than expected. maybe it had something to do with the missing lights. but the proximity to her room suggested that it was-

three knocks, and y/n was brought out of her thoughts, and that comfortable position. she got up with a slight groan, her head still aching a little, and unlocked the door. unsurprisingly, she was met by hange, so she stepped to the side and allowed her friend in. she walked over to y/n’s bed, flopping face down on it dramatically, only slightly bouncing due to the firmness. hange sighed dramatically, letting out a drawn out groan as she did so, making y/n roll her eyes as she sat in one of the chairs at her desk, facing her friend who was still in the middle of her, whatever this was. she kicked her legs and continued to whine, y/n just sat there, knowing by now that there was no point in trying to stop her. after a while, the brunette rolled over onto her back with great difficulty, sighing again as she tried to sit up, before giving up and staying where she was.

“you done?” y/n asked, to which hange responded with a few more wriggles, before stilling again and nodding, replying

“…yes.”

a silence fell over them, one that didn’t last long, as hange sighed again. y/n ignored this, but with another, louder sigh , y/n knew she wouldn’t be able to continue.

“something you want to talk about, han-?”

“it was so hard! so tiring, so-” another sigh and groan interrupted hange after she interrupted y/n. the latter rolled her eyes oncemore, the muscles becoming slightly sore from how often she did this, a testament to her friends challenging personality. still, though, at leat today she had her excuses.

“use your words.” she prompted, earning a laugh from hange as she sat up and leant back onto her hands.

“hah, says you. but,” her tone changed, as did her face, adopting a solemn expression before she continued. “there, were a lot of casualties… you don’t want to hear about that. not after-”

this time it was y/n that interrupted hange, not wanting her to feel like she had to suffer in silence. she knew what that was like, and didn’t want her friend to feel the same way. besides, she was better at expressing herself than y/n was, she would probably benefit more from this than the shorter girl ever could.

“tell me.” her simple words were filled with sincerity, and soon, hange began to tell her about the expedition, about the titans, and after a lot of that, again into that solemnness, about the lives that the beasts took. she didn’t know everyone who had been killed, but she had seen a couple people she knew from the training corps being either crushed, ripped in half, or eaten alive by the monsters. that sort of thing isn’t something you can just move on from, but in the field, hange explained they had to, unless they wanted to meet the same fate. she told how it made her feel heartless, cold, to just leave the bodies there, to abandon those who hadn’t fully died yet, but had no chance of survival. y/n listener for what must’ve been hours, interjecting occasionally with recycled advice that the brunette had previously told her, eventually grabbing a tissue to wipe her tears when they began to spill, then wrapping her jacker around hange’s now sleeping form. she watched her eyes move under their lids as she appeared to dream, wondering what about, hoping it was pleasant. y/n remained at her desk, never once coming close to sleeping. at least that meant no nightmares. 

-

closing the door behind her, y/n clutched the lantern she usually used for these little trips, the candle flickering with every one of her movements. she was careful as always to move as quietly as possible, not wanting to disturb anyone. she had forsaken her boots, not wanting the heels to make any clacking noises against the stone, the patting of her feet was far quieter. there was no purpose to this walk, other than the walk it’s self. ever since last months events, y/n had struggled with sleep even more than before, and had found that taking a silent candle-lit walk around the empty hallways was a good way to occupy her mind. occasionally she would grab a piece of bred if there were any spare from the kitchen, or, if she noticed the light spill out of her room, she would sit with hange wile she read late into the night, or early into the morning. but considering she hadn’t long eaten, and her friend was in her room, still fast asleep, y/n figured that she would be alone for tonight. that was ok though.

as always, she took the long route, walking past all of the other girl’s bedrooms, before reaching the end and turning to walk up the boys, then around tp the girls to repeat as many times as she needed. she began to walk up the boy’s corridor, pulling the blanket that she had wrapped around her shoulders tighter around her as she did. it bunched up around her ears to prevent it from dragging on the floor, making it hard, almost impossible to hear the faintest sniff as she walked past the final door in the corridor. but she did, and stopped in her tracks. holding the lantern away from the area and placing her back against the wall by it, y/n leant her head towards the door, listening intently to see if it was reality or her imagination. she waited only around two seconds until another sniff would be heard, then another, then the slightest of sobs, smaller than those of any of the children she had seen cry. placing the lantern down to rest on the floor and to free up her hand, y/n very faintly knocked on the oak, hearing a very faint gasp after she did. truth be told, she was as surprised as he was. usually she would’ve walked away and left whoever to deal with whatever, so why didn’t she tonight? she didn’t have time to reach a conclusion before a low, gruff voice sounded through the door.

“what?” he asked, and in the early hour, y/n forgot who’s room it was, and how much he valued his privacy, what he had done to hange when she had barged into this same room without asking permission. without this knowledge, y/n opened the door the light from her lantern illuminating the pristine room, and the man who sat on the edge of his bed in the same position she had been after the loud slam earlier. with the movement, he snapped his head up to see who was there, and y/n didn’t miss the tears that coated his cheeks, even if he did wipe them quickly while whisper-shouting at her.

“what the fuck are you doing her? get out!”

she looked on in a mixture of shock, confusion, worry and pity, but didn’t move an inch. he stared at her for a second, wondering why she was still there, before deciding to do something about it. he got up and stormed towards her, reaching out a hand to push her out of the room. when he approached her, instincts kicked in and she dodged, stepping to the side and then behind him, so she was in his room and he was in the doorway. not her intention. 

from this new perspective, however, she could see the picture that lay on his bed, the drawing, the three faces that it depicted. when she tilted her head to get a better look, levi came rushing back in, snatching up the paper and holding it against his chest so she couldn’t see what it was. 

“oi, you deaf? get the fuck out of my room!”

he began pushing her back towards the door her face still blank while her mind wandered. the picture, she had seen it, the faces, those too. but in this context, at this time of night, it wasn’t hard to guess why levi had been crying over a picture of him, isabel and farlan. from her limited interaction with him, y/n could already tell that he wasn’t the type to cry often, and she could also tell how much he loved his friends. from the way his lips would curl up slightly at the corners at a stupid joke, or how he never stopped the young red-head not to call him 'bro’, it was obvious how much they mean to him. or, meant. and if there was anyone who knew what it felt like to loose someone they loved, it was y/n. so, with a swift movement, y/n grabbed the hand that was still shoving her towards the exit, and used her grip on it to spin herself around, standing her ground at the threshold, seizing the chance to speak, although she hadn’t exactly planned what she would say.

“hey, i, um, you-” he placed a hand on each of her shoulders and pushed again, only stopping when she placed hers on his wrists, whispering once more.

“w-what happened?” she asked, nodding her head to the picture that poked out of his breast pocket. he followed her look and tried to push her again, but she was surprisingly able to hold him off.

“none of your fucking business, get out-” he still tried to shove her, muttering an even quieter “the fuck” as they struggled.

“i, i know they, i know you-”

“you don’t know shit!" he exclaimed loudly, the still harsh whisper returning with his next words as he still hung onto her shoulders.

"you don’t know anything about them, about me, don’t you dare fucking say that.” his anger seethed through his words, but yu/n could still read the sadness that it hid, that she wanted to eliminate.

she spoke more calmly than he did, but still firmly to let him know the sincerety behind her words.

“i know you cared about them. i know you’re hurting.-” he scoffed and threw his hands up in exasperation, he didn’t need this clique bullshit now. he needed, fuck, he didn’t know what he needed.

“i know-” he looked into his eyes, noticing the same look that she saw in her own reflection earlier that day, only this time, she could read it loud and clear.

“i know you blame yourself.”

his eyes widened at the final sentence, and he took a step back, looking away from her gaze, the gaze that she kept on him still. she watched him place a hand over the pocket that housed his picture, she watched the way his jaw clenched as he did. hesitantly, she repeated her question.

“what happened?”

he made eye contact with her, opening his mouth to tell her to leave once more, when the sound of a door closing in the distance made them stop and stare in the direction it came from. soon after, footsteps could be heard, getting louder and louder, they seemed to be heading towards them. 

quickly, levi stepped around y/n, bending down to grab the lantern. when he stood again, he pushed y/n, this time into his room, and swiftly closed the door behind them. he took her blanket off her shoulders and laid it on the floor against the door, blocking the gap at the bottom to prevent the light from showing through. she was going to protest, but reasoned that his floor was almost definitely clean anyway.

they waited in silence for what seemed like forever, listening to the footsteps, to how they approached, and, go how they eventually passed by the door, becoming more and more distant until the sound of another door closing could be heard. 

they both released a breath at this, loosening their tensed shoulders a little. having to explain why a girl was in a boys dorm room after curfew wouldn’t have gone well, they were thankful they didn’t have to do that. 

now the coast seemed to be clear, levi turned to y/n, the anger-masking-sadness resuming in his eyes as he whispered to her again as he placed the lantern on his desk, taking one of the seats and looking away after he did.

“why do you care?”

she pondered for a moment, not really sure of the answer herself. why did she care? why was she here, risking getting caught and punished? for who, a practical stranger, so she’d never spoken more than a few sentences to before? did she want to help him? she’s never been great at comforting people, and, help, she was still grieving from her own losses, what use would she be to anyone at this point? then it hit her, and she told him

“i know how you feel. not- exactly, it’s different for everyone- but- i know how much it hurts.”

she saw him move slightly, still not letting himself look at her. after a short while, he gestured his hand towards the other chair that was still tucked under his desk. taking the hint, she moved to join him, eventually sitting facing him with her hands on her lap and her eyes on his, that still refused to return the gaze. 

the light of the candle light up his face very flatteringly, under any other circumstance, y/n would’ve been thinking how handsome he is. but, what the light also did, besides highlight his features beautifully, was being attention to the liquid that gathered in his eyes, the way his jaw clenched and how his lip trembled slightly. y/n focused her attention on that aspect of his looks.

after a short while, she spoke again, sensing that he wouldn’t. normally, she would be in his situation, never speaking unless prompted, but, she knew he needed that prompting if anything way going to come of this. she also knew that just telling him that she understands wouldn’t be enough, she had to share it, share the reason for her pain, in the hopes that he would share his. so she sighed, looking at her hands, before mumbling out the next few words.

“…i don’t know what you know about me, but, i didn’t join here on purpose. o know you didn’t either." 

unexpectedly, he spoke,

"you were a thief in a nearby village. you used to look after the orphans.”

y/n stated in shock at him, wondering how he would know that, until he briefly met her eyes, explaining himself.

“your friend told me.”

he said with a click of his tongue, and it made sense. with this, she continued.

“ah, well. i see. um, did, did she say what happened?”

“you were dragged away, you can’t take care of them anymore, doesn’t matter. that’s different to seeing them-”

he cut himself off, clearly not wanting to finish that thought. but she knew what he was trying to say.

“i did-”

“tch, i doubt there was a fucking titan in your village." 

he spat with venom lacing his words, she felt a small pit of anger rise up within her.

"no, but there were military police officers, lost of them. you know what they are? vile, corrupt, murderous sons of bitches. they may not’ve been eaten, but i saw them. i-” her voice broke a little, her anger gone but sorrow still present. she fought through it, not wanting to cry infront of him. 

“-i saw what they did. i, i saw the blood, i saw them, damnit they were only kids, but they-”

he looked up to see her turn her face down, squeezing her eyes and mouth shut as she hurried her chin into her chest, attempting to push down the feelings, but to no avail, her shoulders still shook with the force of her silent sobbing, the tears still fell and left smal wet marks on her skin and nightdress. after a moment of this, she look in a shaky breath, whispering the last words she could get out.

“i-i know… how you feel.”

he stared at her for a while longer, listening to the way she would take in a deeper breath in an attempt to calm herself, only to let it out again with more tears not too much later when her mind appeared to not let her have even a moments rest. 

he sighed, wondering if he was really about for do this, but his mouth started talking before his brain could give the final say so. 

-

y/n listened intently. soon, her own tears had been forgotten in favour of trying to prevent his from falling as he recalled the events of the last day.

he actually opened up to her, about the expedition, about life in the underground. when prompted, he event talked vaguely about when he lost his mother. it really was vague, and brief, but it was more than he’d told anyone. when he saw how y/n listened, nodding occasionally, subtly pointing to his cheek every now and then so he could wipe a tear before it fell freely, he just let go of his doubts, of his fears, and opened up to her. if he was being honest, as much as it killed to relive those awful moments, it felt kindof nice to hit have to hide it all from everyone. just as y/n had discovered with hange all that time ago, it felt nice to trust.

they talked for what must’ve been hours, but neither were counting. eventually, though, their conversation came to an end, signified by a final shaky sigh from levi, as he got up to grab his cravat the he usually wore.

when he returned, he used the fabric to gently wipe her cheeks, noticing how she didn’t flinch away from this. still he muttered something about her having tears there, as if to excuse his actions. she really didn’t mind. it may have been her tired state, or both of their newfound openness, but she didn’t do. after putting the fabric away, levi sat down once again across from y/n waiting for her to talk.

“so, you hate erwin too." 

her words eventually came, and he took a while to respond.

"i used to.”

she looked at him with confusion before speaking again.

“what? used to? you said you only came to the surface to kill him, that you blame him for their de- for, what happened? and now you don’t hate him?”

levi shrugged, seemingly taking a moment to think up a response.

“we were hired to kill him, i don’t have anything against him personally other than that. i didn’t know the guy. yeah, he seems like a tool, but, thinking about it, as much as i want to blame him for- what happened- i know he was just doing his job. it really wasn’t his fault, just the fault of the situation.”

he thought aloud, and y/n snapped her self control.

“his job, i-” she scoffed, shaking her head in annoyance

“his job cost your friends their lives, and you don’t hate him? you don’t want to make him pay, to feel the same way he made you feel?”

suddenly, he made eye contact, the same piercing gaze from when they had first met burned into her own, effectively shutting her up. he held it for a while, looking between each of her eyes, his own flickering with this movement. after a while, he spoke again, his calm voice a stark contrast to her aggravated tone.

“you’re going to get yourself killed in this pursuit of revenge. you’re strong, and fast, and good on the battle field, but if you let this control you, that won’t count for shit.”

he stated, seemingly reading her like a book.

“i’m choosing to follow captain erwin, if it’s the right decision or not, i don't know, but i will not regret this decision.”

he held her gaze and her attention, she listened intently to words that she usually would’ve written off immediately.

“i know it’s tempting to hate him, to want to make him pay for your losses, but, it isn’t worth it. it will be your downfall.”

he paused, looking away briefly before returning to her.

“i need you to trust me on this. you’re the only one who i’ve trusted enough to tell all of this too, so i need you to return to favour.”

she contemplated, letting his words sink in, debating what to do. if she didn’t listen, it would at least give her a chance to avenge her friends, to give meaning to the lives that were lost, but if she did listen, it may save her own. allowing her to give meaning to others, by fighting against the titans, to prevent more loss, if possible. he spoke one final time, eyes still fixed on hers.

“trust me, y/n.”


	5. something more

run, that’s all she knew to do, to run as fast as her legs would carry her. to ignore her gut and head into the danger, it was second nature. she raced through the streets, the screaming and crying urging her to not stop for even a second, to pick up the pace, to come and help. 

“y/n! help me!”

“help! help me please!”

she fought back the tears in her eyes as their pleas continued, becoming louder and louder as she approached.

‘nearly there, i’m nearly there’ she told herself while still running at full speed, twisting and turning through the dim alleyways. she saw a light, and headed towards it, towards the town centre. 

when she got there, she froze, her eyes fixing on the officers who each held a child with one hand, a sword in the other.

she screamed, but no sound came out, she tried to run, but her body couldn’t move. all she could do was watch as the mps raised their weapons, before bringing them down with immense force, immediately silencing the area, breaking y/n’s heart all over again. 

a strong wind blew through the streets, carrying away the people infront of her, when it had passed by, a lone figure stood on the other side of the centre. slowly, their green cloak came into view, and the blonde hair that was revealed after they removed their hood told y/n exactly who it was. she stared at erwin as he stood there, as motionless as she, until, 

a tap on her shoulder. 

turning around, y/n saw a familiar face, but not one she was used to seeing in this setting. his silvery-grey eyes stared back into her e/c ones, the same sincerity as they had held a few hours earlier. his voice, while still rough and inherently him, held that same gentleness from before.

“y/n…”

he spoke her name, drawing her attention more to him, slowly but surely, the streets of shiganshina fading away to nothingness.

“oi, y/n." 

a little harsher this time, even more so with the next words 

"hey, wake-” her eyes opened, “up. about time. get up.”

she took in the unfamiliar setting, or rather, the unfamiliar view. her tired mind tried to process why everything was sideways, how the lantern hadn’t fallen off the wall, until she felt another pat on her shoulder, startling her, and causing her to sit upright. suddenly, everything looked rather normal again. that was until she realised where she was. 

she had fallen asleep at her desk before, but, this wasn’t her desk. this was more like,

she turned her body around as much as she could with her lower half still seated in the chair, her eyes widening when they took in the sight of a freshly showered, fully dressed, bored looking levi. well, it wasn’t just bored, there was something else there that she couldn’t quite put her finger on, maybe-

“hey, stop staring and go get dressed, you look awful. here.” he said, hanging her the blanket that had fallen off of her when she had so abruptly sat up.

“the floors clean, so this will be too.”

she took it hesitantly, not exactly how it had gotten from its place at the door to being on her, but not having too much time to think it over when levi opened the door. he stepped out, looking both ways before turning back to y/n, who could only watch him.

aftwr a moment more of this, he pointed to the gap in the door way, and she got the picture. rising slowly, to be moving in small, hurried steps, she left his room and started walking down the corridor towards her room. she had made it about half way when she stopped, turning to speak to levi.

“hey, i-" 

he had already made it most of the way down the other corridor, headed to the messhall. his pace seemed to be quicker than usual, but she didn’t think too much of it. 

-

when she got around to the girls side, y/n re entered her room and plopped her blanket down onto her bed and sat at her own desk , resting her head on her hands.

'hange must've let herself out for breakfast’ she thought to herself as she took in the relative quiet, a few shouts here and there, nothing compared to those that would i start when morning training did. 

as she continued to sit, her mind wandered back to what levi had said earlier, a few of his words sticking with her more that the others.

"you’re going to get yourself killed in this pursuit of revenge.”

"-it will be your downfall.“

and finally,

"trust me, y/n.”

in her life, so many had tried to tell her those last few words. she had written them off instantaneously, if she couldn’t even trust herself, how could she trust others? so she had pushed it as far out of her mind as she could, not wanting to let the possibility of a better life fool her into letting her guard down, allowing herself to be venerable. 

but for some reason, she was letting that possibility remain.

she thought back to last nights conversation, to how they had both seen each other’s venerable side, to how they had both shared intimate, painful details of their lives, ones that hange didn’t even know. secrets that they would’ve taken to the grave, but she had trusted that he would too. she had trusted him then.

she thought to how she had so carelessly fallen asleep in his company, comparing it to how she would stay awake an alert for days on end, never once letting her guard down when she lived on the streets. she had drifted off peacefully, never once thinking that he would hurt her. she had trusted that he wouldn’t. she had trusted him then. 

she thought about how she had so willingly walked into his own, private space. a place she was unfamiliar with, a place where he knew where the weapons were, but she didn’t, a place where, if there would’ve been a fight, he would’ve had the upper hand. but, at the time, it never crossed her mind. 

everything she did last night, she had put her trust in levi. and he had too. she could’ve been carrying a knife under the blanket, or pretended to be sleep, only to attack him when he eventually drifted off. 

two people who trusted no one had subconsciously decided to that night, and now, he was asking to extend it further.

by the time she had realised that, her decision was already made.

-

“attention!”

the squad leader’s voice bellowed across the training grounds, all soldiers saluted on instinct, before even seeing erwins face.

they walked to the center of the field, briefly saluting before dismissing the soldiers who relaxed into more comfortable stances. the captain's gaze scanned across the rows of soldiers, notably thinner than when he had last seen them. the squad leaders stood silently besides erwin as he continued to look over the crowd, noting the two missing spots either side of levi, and the one next to hange. after a while, he spoke again.

“i’m aware that a lot of you lost someone you care about yesterday, and i appreciate you joining us as normal today. it would seem that the titans are getting no weaker, so, we cannot afford to. we have to continue on, to get stronger, so that one day, we may be able to put an end to this.”

he paused, taking in their reactions, ranging from a look away, to a few tears as the soldiers thought of their lost comrades. after a while to let them control themselves, erwin continued.

“good luck with your training, i trust you’ll give it your all.”

with that, he saluted, as did the soldiers, before he turned and walked towards the base.

he had seen many of those fallen soldiers he spoke of meet their ends personally, hearing the final screams as the beast that held them crushed, bit or tore them, showing no mercy. if he thought about it, really took the time to relive it, it would make him lose his mind, as it would anyone. their world was one where titans controlled their lives, backing the final stragglers of the human race into a corner , surrounding them. whenever they tried to leave, they would be picked off, one by one, injured, then killed, then eaten. it was sick, but it was reality, and he was the one who had to make sure that as few people as possible met that gruesome fate. but as he had been reminded a month earlier, it wasn’t only the titans that were monsters, threatening humanity. no, there was evil among them, evil that would kill anyone, even a child, or, two children. 

this was where he drew the line, taking back control of his mind and pushing that thought deep down, preventing it from rearing its ugly head for as long as possible. 

that day still haunted him, and the fact that hange was still without a training partner meant that he hadn’t been forgiven.

he considered paying her a visit, she was his subordinate after all, he should check up on her. but he knew he wasn’t welcome. she still blamed him for what happened, and a few words of wisdom from him weren’t going to change that. 

however, when he began to open the door to the hq, he would soon be shown that someone else’s words could.

y/n stood there, stepping back a little when he appeared on the other side of the door.

erwin’s eyes widened at her appearance, her uniform pristine and, on. it’s the first time in ages that he had seen her wearing it in place of her night dress or normal clothes. scratch that, it was the first time in ages that he had seen her. and she looked, great, actually. her dark circles were still very prominent, the light in her eyes above them was bright, the look, determined. 

she didn’t scowl upon seeing him, just looked back at him, staring up into his own blue eyes, before stepping to the side, gesturing to the gap the was now in the doorway. he glanced between her and it, mouth open, but no words coming out.

her whole demeanour had changed, she wasn’t hostile towards him, just, again normal. at the time, he didn’t know what had changed. it would be many years, and a few more surprises until he found that out. for now, though, he walked through the door holding it open to watch her walk through, then to the training grounds. 

she ignored how the soldiers stopped to whisper upon seeing her, continue in to walk until she reached hange, allowing her friend to pounce on her when she realised she was there, before resuming her fighting stance as he had seen her do all that time ago. 

hange came at her, and, just like before, she took her down, quickly, effortlessly, before kneeling on her back to hold her in that position until the brunette tapped on the ground to signal her defeat.

the corners of erwins mouth lifted slightly as he turned to walk to his office, allowing himself to feel slightly hopeful for the future of the survey corps, now that y/n was a part of it. 

by doing this, however, he missed the way levi’s eyes never left the h/c haired woman’s while she helped hange up. a slight nod from both, an acknowledgement of her decision, before they turned away, continuing their training, not realising how that decision had laid the foundations for their trust to grow, to change. to eventually turn into something more.


End file.
